Thoughts behind the writing of "Imperfect Calm"

Alone at sea for 101 days between San Francisco and Boston, I was disconnected from "normal life." The isolation was deliberate. There was meaning for me in the space of loneliness, of emptiness. The trip is a metaphor for my perception of human disconnection from spirit.

Isolation on the ocean creates a unique intensity. Alone on the ocean means complete disconnection, physically and spiritually, from the society of humankind. The disconnected psyche turns to self, sea, the earth and the universe for company. With no earthly barriers between self and heaven, the intensity of experience amplifies towards infinity, and its only barriers to flight exist within the Self living the experience.

The contemplative mind naturally lands upon questions of existence directly or indirectly. On land, with infinite diversions available, it is possible to keep these questions away from day to day life. On land, it is easy to bury fears and worries that stem from philosophical or psychological discomfort deep into mansions of comfort. Exploration beyond the walls of inner self is inhibited by comforts and security.

"Wall within wall to shut fear out." True discovery involves risk, pushing beyond comfortable and into unknown territory, looking beyond walls and fears, looking at the edge, over the edge. Routine life distracts us from the beauty of the sky, of the world around us. At sea there is motion, risk, sleep in motion, the sound of the sea, the sound of the dolphins, the ubiquitous horizon, the infinite emptiness, the rich fullness of place, the solar influence on mind and rhythm, natural alignment with nature, the endless progression of waves, the infinite depth of the night sky which thrusts life into your face and makes the questions inevitable or solidifies the escape. One or the other.

The decision to face the questions or avoid the questions depends upon the individual. Many feel sufficiently connected through the affairs of society. Many feel their importance is based on the material wealth they accumulate. For some, the contemplation of the meaning of life is a thing left to philosophers, studied in high school or college and then not thought of again.

Then there are others who search for spirit, who look towards heaven, the god of their understanding, the heaven that comforts them, and wish to regain their "Paradise Lost." The isolation of my voyage brought me to the edge, but not so far out that I could not reflect, underway. On the edge, laid bare before forces greater than I clarified meaning and glimpsed into the soul. And so this voyage did not, does not, differ from the life voyage. The voyage simply amplifies daily life, with infinite beauty and the very real risk of death.

All around me on land, I see how lives are dominated with the drive to connect. We join, log on, are a member of, work for, live with, marry, make love to, are one of the guys, are in the group, drive the popular car, wear the cool hat, go to church, pray to god, hope to meet in heaven, experience nature, learn history. We drive to connect, we find who we are and be a part of something. We loathe disconnection, the innate disconnection.

Throughout this trip I could have avoided the questions, the sufferings, instead of facing them. I did not give in to that escape. At sea or in port, I scrutinize the darkest corners. No thought sits unchallenged. Exploration is essential. I will not sail through life hiding in a shell. The mountain is there to be climbed, and that mountain, the metaphoric mountain, is treacherous, involves struggle, periods of intense fear, then resolve, with periods of intense beauty.

Beauty, ecstasy, the polar extreme to the infinite sadness of isolation, is the complete state of connection with self and environment. The joy of the spirit at the summit transcends the pain of the ascent. The lessons, the joys of the climb outlive the pains. Birth, rebirth, is a mix of pain and euphoria.

The walls blocking my connection with ecstasy were within me, within my power, but to reach ecstasy I wrestled with the forces of the universe greater than self: death, god, loneliness.

Herein are the tales of my travel, my experiences, people who I met, the sailing voyage. Herein are reflections from the state of disconnection, the state in which we all begin and where we hope not to dwell, from which we hope to heal, to escape, to reunite, to reconnect. Through my struggle I reaffirm the value of life, and connect with the beauty around us all.

I give this experience to the reader with hope that my quest for meaning can touch at least one other life.